Ashamed & Afraid ? Not For Long...

I have been ashamed … Not once, not twice, not for a week, not for a month, but for 2 whole years, I’ve been ashamed. Ashamed of what I was, what I did and what I believed in. There could be no other explanation as to why I’ve always been so quiet, why I’ve never wanted anyone to know about me, why I’ve longed to be someone else… Someone who could talk, walk and smile without having to feel like an idiot. I’ve been very conscious and sensitive to others’ perception of me, and all those times, my judgment will be biased. I’ll be partial to the person judging me and pronounce myself guilty of stupidity. That’s one reason why I’ve always been happy to let someone use me or why I’ve always believed other people’s judgment more than I ever did mine.

And as long as people like me are out there, they can never raise their voices for any cause... even their own.

That’s why it’s imperative that I find a permanent solution for this problem. I’ve never admitted to a person that I’m patriotic, that I want to change the world, that I want to make a difference or that I believe in any of the things I’ve ever written on this blog. Why, you may ask. For the same reason that many people have stage fright - I’m afraid of being judged. I’m afraid of being judged as a person who’s bad or stupid or boring or arrogant or … well, you get the idea.

I’ve decided a lot of times to just come out and open myself to the world without fear. I’ve tried thrice and I didn’t really keep up my self-promise. That’s why, this year my New Year resolution will be based on this. This is important, not for me alone, not even just for my family, it’s important for every person who’s around me, and that means everyone… because there’s no limits to where a person might go. Secondly, if anyone in the team is going to help the world in any small way, they certainly wouldn’t benefit from a person who’s afraid of people… nor would anyone. And thirdly, I’m more than certain that there are many people like me and in order to help them open up, I’ve to open up myself… which is why I’m sharing this in the blog. I don’t want to keep anything that makes me me, hidden from people anymore.

There’s this beautiful song from the album ‘Enchanted’ by Carrie Underwood – ‘Ever Ever After’ [I love the lyrics, mainly… and the music, of course]:

This is an excerpt from my private blog:

... Because of this paradigm, I have always been afraid and ashamed to be myself. But today, I have decided that a change is essential. I know how important respect and self-image is [and I’m a teenager too]. But there is a limit and I think I have almost crossed it. It’s not right, or rather, it’s stupid, to be afraid of being who you are, just because you might not get good reception from your friends. This is probably something I should have realized years ago. But better late than never. So in this post, I’m going to make a few statements, which may or may not be deemed as confessions. I just want to make sure, I don’t hide any longer.

Yes, I’m very, very, very and very patriotic. I would do anything for India. Yes, success is very important to me, and if I have to be a nerd to succeed in exams, then I will be. Yes I memorize my lessons [not because I don’t understand them, but because I want to be sure that I’ll remember them. I love being a girl, I have lots of fantasies and I am girlish… very much so. I don’t like anyone disrespecting national symbols, their own parents, God [whoever he may be], very good teachers, Principal, Heads and under-appreciated people.

I dislike successes and hate failures, and that’s why I choose to succeed [because it’s comparatively less painful]. I became a pure vegetarian only because I thought it was too cruel to kill other living animals and birds for food, when I could survive on plants, which feel no pain. I want to become a psychiatrist because it would help me understand myself better and also because I could help others with similar problems. My second career option is IAS because I decided long back, to dedicate my life to either serving the people or the country. I love to sing and dance. I have no interest for money or for fame. I don’t like people who are indifferent, irresponsible or selfish. I agree with Gandhi and Nehru, not with S.C. Bose. I like being a leader and I love nature…

I er… wrote this in August, but soon gravity pulled me down again… But it’s not gonna pull me down anymore. In fact, it’s time to try defying gravity ;) :

I don’t really think much of the sitcom, but the songs are truly great. And the only reason I love English songs, is because some of them have incredible lyrics… And I love poems in English in any form – song, ballad… you name it.

Back to the topic... So, that’s my resolution for the New Year, commencing from 01.01.11 onwards! May Janus help me… or maybe I should say Ganesha [Ganesha is said to be closely related to the Roman God Janus]. I just thought ‘Janus’ sounded more secular. Oh my God............ I just thought that following my religion was against secularism! Seriously people, being religious is definitely not an antonym of being secular… Gotta write a post on that tomorrow… Till then, See ya!

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